Victoria private Steele episode #1 · Sunday April 27, 2008 by colin newell
It was a regular Friday in the offices of Robert Steele when the phone rang. I grabbed the handset out of the cradle, a telephone cradle… big, black and plastic like the color and texture of my heart.
Cold and shapeless – that is me. It is the job I do. I am… a private detective with the firm Steele-Wall. Down on Main Street in sunny Victoria.
I’d genuinely like to believe I have a partner named Wall – but I don’t. What I do have is, the promise of what you run into when you cross me…
And judging by the sound of the dame on the other end of the blower, I knew I had a hot one on. She spat her words out like a pro-wrestler on a Saturday afternoon, which was odd. It was Friday. Friday, high noon.
It seems one of her favorite cafe’s had just dumped their quality beans for some johnny-come-lately discount brew and, don’t tell me let me guess, the drinks are the same price.
Yea, this was a clear case of brew and gouge. I hate it when that happens. I hate it when the phone rings and there is a angry babe on the other end of the chatter-box. I hate stomach aches and this scene meant I was going to be cooking up a winner.
After she stopped ranting I managed to squeeze a few words in edgewise..
“So let’s take it from the top shall we?” I coached.
Beau, we will call her Ms B, works as the executive legal assistant with the District attorneys office and B’s no slouch. She knows a bad fish when she smells one so she knew who to call.. I had a good feeling about her as I casually glanced at my incessantly and largely unstoppable work load.
B: “Ah, Mister Steele, is this you?”
“Ma’am”, I mumbled between gritted teeth… “It sure is. What seems to be your beef, Baby?”
B: “I was down at the Matrix today, you know the cafe down on 4th and Spring?”
“Yes, Ma’am… the one between Jimmy’s Pawn and Leo’s Bar n Grill?”
B: “Yea, that’s the one… I go there, like, every day without fail and…”
“Stick to the facts Beau.. just the facts..”
B: “well, you know how it is. They get you all jazzed up on supreme bean, all tasty and perfect, and…”
“Please continue…” I encouraged.
B: “Well, I was in for my usual double-americano and… well and… well and….”
Just then Beau broke down into a paroxysm of frustrated sobs. I could almost picture her white shoulders quivering under her delicate cotton brocade. I was touched and at the same time fascinated.
“Baby. Get a grip of yourself… Shake it off honey..”
By now I was furious. I snubbed out a virtual Marlboro into an imaginary ash-tray next to my Olivetti.
“Here’s the way it is sister. There are two kinds of people out there – The good people: that’s you and the men and women in your office that you know and trust.
And then there are the coffee people: the bad people, looking for every opportunity to screw with the general public. That is where I come in.
When my phone rings, it is like the sound of a crying baby. And lately, I have been getting a crib full.”
My job never ends. Coffee cop and private detective. It is a thankless one and the pay is crap. But sometimes on a sunny day, when the wind is blowing in the right direction and things are going my way, I can sit in the corner cafe and everything is okay. The brew is hot and the chicks are cool.
Cool, until the phone rings…
B: “Mr. Steele, ah… Mr. Steele….?”
I snapped out of my narcissistic reverie long enough to realize that I was still on the phone…
B: “Their americanos were just so perfect.. crema like butterscotch churned by angels.. and now.. and now..
“Go on, Miss B.. and don’t let me interrupt…”
B: “Their coffee is like a double-double Tim Horton’s that has been forgotten in the back-seat of a ’56 chev, left overnight in the strip mall and allowed to bake in the heat of the day…”
“Baby, I get your vibe, and it pains me to know that every day in this sleepy little town, there is yet one more coffee crime going down…Now you relax and don’t sweat that pretty little face of yours and let Mr. Steele look after things from here on in…”
As she hung up the phone and I tapped another pretend Marlboro out of my near-empty deck of phantom smokes, I realized one thing -
Damn, I need a coffee!
Detective Robert Steele is the sole proprietor of Steele-Wall a private investigation firm keeping a handle on caffeinated crimes and general mischief in the sleepy little town of Victoria.
Colin Newell, author of the coffeecrew blog once helped write an episode of C.S.I. Las Vegas (Season 3 – Episode Last Laugh) – since then, pretty much everything has gone to his head.
Your Daily Planet #1 · Friday April 4, 2008 by colin newell
Inflation is hitting everyone these days – gas prices up in Canada, the price of wheat, flour and now rice. A local baker recently reported that his price for one particular grade of flour went up 65% in one week.
And however unusual that is, pity residents of Zimbabwe in Africa. Once the breadbasket of Africa and one of the most successful and stable economies, years and years of government mismanagement have left this gem of a country in fiscal chaos. Inflation rates over the past few months have been reported in the double digits – on a typical day, prices rise 10 to 15%.
In February, the national bank of Zimbabwe issued its first 10 million dollar note – to respond, in part, to the death spiral of its own currency and buying power.
And that 10 million dollar note today? It buys a loaf of bread. If one can find a loaf of bread on the many empty grocers shelves that is.
In an even more brazen and pathetic move, the national bank issued a 50 million dollar note this week.
It is worth about 2$ American and buys about 3 loaves of bread.
Keep that in mind when you are queuing up at your local Sobey’s or Target store.
Random acts of criticism #1 · Thursday April 3, 2008 by colin newell
In a continuing series of randomly orchestrated and generally abusive diatribes on the Canadian condition, Colin Newell will skewer, broil and digest items of regional interest… regardless of the outcome, irrespective of those whose feelings he hurts… Oh! Has he no shame!? Anyway… on with the show.
Athletes on Canada’s national snowboarding team are paying their own way to World Cup events or missing them altogether because the Canadian Snowboard Federation has run out of cash.
Canadian snowboarder Alexa Loo claims she racked up a credit card bill of more than $5,000 taking planes to races in Japan, Korea and Lake Placid, N.Y. during the
season only to miss the final race in Italy because she couldn’t afford the airfare.
Stop! Stop! Enough already. I thank God everyday that we did not have children who turned out to be jocks. Such waste. Pity the hard working families whose children turn out athletic. Tragic yes, but it happens to many Canadians…
Take heart: Relief is on the way! The government of Canada is doing its part to put an end to amateur sports. A pandemic of funding cuts to Canadian sports programs has left our Olympic bound skiers in hot water and our swim teams rowing downhill. In America, if an athlete wants to get ahead, he or she need only sign onto a lucrative Nike deal – In Canada an Olympic hopeful signs up on a Girl Guide cookie route – sticky sweet, yes but hardly a solution to their money woes. How can you help? Attend any Canadian athletic event (if you can find one…) and cheer on the swimmers with an exuberant “Run! Run! Run you slacker Run! …and toss large coins. Anything helps.
In Hockey news, the Vancouver Canucks are struggling in their fitful and pathetic attempts to get on the golf course as soon as humanly possible.
With my infallible magic powers, I will grant them this wish tonight!
The nations broadcaster, CBC, continues to astound, amuse and aggravate Canadians with yet more startling cut-backs. By now you have heard of the complete gutting of CBC Radio 2 programming and the axing of the CBC orchestra. News from the inside indicates that Peter Mansbridge’s prime time Canadian newscast is getting the guillotine – and in its place will be a flat-screen TV tuned to CTV’s Lloyd Robertson. It’s bold. It is grandiose. But will Canadians notice this subtle whittling away of Canadian culture?
What bugs me about people rant #1 · Wednesday March 26, 2008 by colin newell
Anyone remember a time when Google offered a service for those people so busy that they did not have time to search the net – so they could call up Google… and get an operator on the line… to get someone else, a living person, to find what they were looking for… Naturally, this idea did not last long.
Makes you wonder: Is this one of the main reasons that the Planet is doomed? Or is there another reason?
Discovered this today – note photo above left: If you are way too busy to spend the minute and a half registering for my coffee website, there is a web site you can go to that has a userid and password already created just for you!
Uh-huh. And how screwed up is this?
I deleted the userid and password that was created for my website.
If only to screw with these lazy people. I mean, if you are going to visit the CoffeeCrew website, I have certain expectations…
And speaking of lazy. My favorite story is the one about the lady who contacted me from Southern California (and what a horrible place that is!) – She sent me a list consisting of question after question about coffee basics… all of which is on my website about one click or two away from the main page.
But no.
She was too busy.
And so I asked: “All of this is on the website. Why don’t you look it up?”
And she replied: “I am way too busy to spend anytime reading your website!”
It begs the question: How do stupid people survive? Is there an army of sympathetic people out there that have pity on the lazy and stupid people… kind of carrying them along… day by day. Or is it just a case of random chance? Everyone survives despite an assumption of a more logical outcome? Who knows?
Comment [1]
Gas Price Rant #9 Hosed at the Pump · Friday March 14, 2008 by colin newell
One for the “I did not know that…” books.
Did you know that when you buy gas for your car and pay at the pump with your ATM, Debit or Credit-Card, the Gas station company puts a Hold on a portion of your line of credit?
What this means is – The gas company blocks out a portion of your line of credit so they know they will actually get paid for the gas you bought.
Ok. Sounds fair so far I guess. But how much of your money are they holding on to anyway? $10? $20? $30? $50?
Wait for it. Are you sitting down? They hold $100 or more!
If you are strapped for cash, you can actually buy $7 worth of gas from your gas station, cross the street to the grocery store and have your credit or debit card denied when you buy food – because the already greedy gut gas companies have put a hold on your money.
Outraged? You should be!
The gas companies say that they are just protecting themselves…
Of course, in 2008, you would think that the software (or hardware) does not exist to allow the gas companies to hold a small amount of money on your credit or debit for a few moments until your transaction is complete – (truth is – it does and many gas stations hold this amount for a few minutes til after you have replaced the gas nozzle in its holder…) And yet many, if not most, of them keep your buying power on hold for upwards of 24 hours! Why?
So you know – this is a common practice for car rental companies and hotels… and not surprisingly. But gas stations? Why?
